When the best laid plans go wrong

‘What went wrong?’ I hear you ask. What went wrong is that I tried to be diligent and save money by booking into a ‘zen’ yurt rather than a normal hotel on a work trip.

‘But why was that such a rubbish idea Emma, it sounds delightful?’. It was a shit idea because it was the unknown and one needs guaranteed sleep ahead of work meetings. And the unknown once known turned out to be the creepiest f&$king place I’ve stayed since either the pervy motel of pervs in Joshua Tree or the crack whore den somewhere near Mt Wilson that I’ve casually now blocked from my brain.

The yurt itself is fairly new, and to be honest I was probably expecting too much not to have considered there would be cobwebs, but otherwise small and neat and clean. Outside the deck is a little weathered which is okay, but the garden looks abandoned and the house looks nearly derelict which are together a little concerning.

Nonetheless I thought, it’s not so bad, it’s just one night. Then I heard what sounds like someone moving around outside. I convinced myself however it was an animal. Whether that is true or not I chose to believe that it was an animal.

After a while though I needed the bathroom. Which is outside. And it’s dark. The bathroom was in fact a room in the under part of the derelict haunted house.

I mustered confidence, collected my items, turned on the I-phone torch and headed out locking my yurt behind me. I check all directions and turn the light on for the bathroom (the light switch is on the outside – so that plays into my over thinking paranoid of a horror movie playing out in my immediate future brain), head in and lock the door swiftly. I’m safe.

It’s at this point I’m drawn to a dark black non curtained window at the back of the bathroom. I can see a light bulb behind it, meaning there’s a room back there. So of course now I investigate and look through. It’s really dark; a cellar. I can only half see into it. It’s full of boxes and god knows what. I become conscious of how visible my face must be to anyone who could be on the other side. I realise I need to stop looking it’s not helping. To the other side is another window to the outside with a meager blind over it. Suddenly from nowhere music blares out.

Following some panic I notice it’s my I-phone that had started playing The Flower of Scotland at top volume. I shit myself and turn it off swearing acutely to the room around me. I grab my toothbrush and head to the sink.

‘OH FLOWER OF SCOTLAND, WHEN WILL WE SEE YOUR…’, ‘mother f*%king piece of shit, shut the f%*k up and piss off. sweet Jesus what is going on and bollocks shite and crap’. I turn it off again. ‘Shit is Braveheart after me?’

With my nerves fraying I decide the idea of having a shower can go f%*k itself too. I’m cleaning my teeth throwing water at my face and getting the chuff out of here. If I smell that bad tomorrow I couldn’t give a crap. I wash hurriedly whilst simultaneously cleaning my teeth; spluttering toothpaste around the my face and face wash in my teeth. I collect my items and prepare to depart.

Despite my I-phone light being turned on when I extinguish the bathroom light it is comparable to being plunged into darkness. It’s as I’m pulling the bathroom door to, that I notice it’s not a wall to my left but a tarpaulin pulled across, perfect for the odd murderous type to hide behind and then use to dispose of the body. I lock and run and unlock and lock and now I’m in my room. It was only 8.40pm.

It was was a long night. Finally I fell asleep to the sound of crickets or some kind of insect. The odd squeak in the room leaves me convinced I had a mousey partner somewhere amongst the light support structure of my abode. All I can say is I look forward to my own bed tonight and to making better decisions in future.

All that said there is always a silver lining or maybe even a unicorn to be found. In this case I found no unicorn, but creepiness and fear of spiders landing in my face aside, it was magical to be able to look up from my bed and see the night sky. It’s something I haven’t experienced for years and it’s never any less beautiful.

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